Traces of a Teague

i shoved a guy today.

i had just alighted from the tram up the top of Swanston St, on my way to get my hair cut, when a man in his mid-40's in suit and tie, shoved past a few people on his way to the tram, then expected me to move out of his way as well. i thought about moving for this middle-aged bully, but then decided not to, shoving him instead. needless to say, this shocked him and he started hurling abuse at me and telling me to pay attention. even though i had my headphones on (as per usual), i could hear all of his invectives, so i decided to give him what for right on back, telling him that just because he wears a tie, doesnt make him God, he had replies, but by now i was over it and kept on walking to my appt.

i know i over-reacted; i know this is not how one acts in civilised society, but sometimes i just want to say "fuck you" to the rules and society in general and this stuck up imbecile copped it.

***
this came after a downer of a week. laid low with the flu, i slept on and off for most of tuesday and wednesday and just havent been able to shake the lethargy. then i had my shrink appt last night and raised a lot of issues, since i havent seen her for about two and a half months, but didnt really get to work through any of it. so ive been deconstructed, but not constructed and as a result i feel a bit frayed. i shouldnt have gone over to Divine's last night; i was too tired and not up for company, but you live and you learn.

***
have started looking for a new job, just temp work so i can study part-time.

***
i have my reflux surgery booked for the 3rd of June and its only gonna cost me about $100 and 2 nights in hospital. ive never had an over-night stay in hospital before and have a morbid fear of hospitals, so im a little nervous, but the surgery is laparoscopic, so there are relatively few side-effects; still, hospitals scare the bejesus outta me... but yay! finally get the reflux shit sorted out!


"boys smell, throw rocks at them"

and thank God for Divine because if she had not allowed me to borrow one of her laptops i still would not be online.

Signed up for mobile broadband with my mobile phone provider and up til now i have always sung their praise. but the drama was extraordinary at a time when they also told me that my last bill was due to the double up caused by going on a new plan, only to find that THIS bill is the double bill and so i had to find funds to cover it at a time when im seeing half a dozen specialists all costing at least $100 a visit on a regular basis.

the good news is, my 24hr reflux test was a glowing success. usually people have about 14 short episodes of reflux within 24hrs, however i had 48, the longest lasting 42mins overnight, so i now know why i dont sleep well at night. my appt with the gastro guy is next thursday and he will ultimately recommend surgery (similar to gastric banding).

ive decided to return to studies. after consulting very knowledgeable minds and finally biting the bullet and getting my butt into gear, i have decided to do a diploma in editing/publishing/copywriting thru an online education site as part of QLD Uni. it will be part time and will take me at least a year (and more money) to complete. when finished (or even during if i can wangle it) i hope to work for a publishing house or educational institution. i keep on coming back to my writing and words and so ive finally realised i need to pursue this further instead of ducking out of its way. fear shall hold me back no longer.

gender wise, nothing much has changed. certain sensitive parts have adjusted slightly with great results, but i havent noticed any physical changes in my skin, voice, alertness, or acne. a friend is ahead of me by about a month and he has noticed his skin getting tougher, his voice breaking, his body temp getting hotter, an increase in appetite, and his need to sleep more, but having more energy whilst awake. im itching to feel something, anything, that is different to this female body ive inhabited for far too long. people around me are freaking out about what it means for me to be doing what im doing; ive had people blatantly ignore me when she's seen me; whilst others dont get but dont care; but i feel it is all a moot point at the moment whilst nothing physically is happening. i know im being impatient. i knew of the timeframes before i started, but now that ive started ive turned into Veruca Salt (yes i get the irony of using a female as a point of reference for myself).

my father is talking to me. not about the gender stuff, but he is talking which is a start. ive felt a little estranged from my mum since she told me im dead to her (in that the little girl she nurtured for so long no longer exists). i appreciate her honesty, its all we've ever been to each other (her more than i, actually), however it still hurts to hear and really wish she had of kept that between her partner and her sisters.

caught up with a couple of my cousins when they were in town and it was great to be treated as one of the boys. im not sure if the younger brother truly understands, but i really appreciated their efforts to give me eating and exercise tips (they are both athletes) and trying to see me as one of their own (above and beyond being family).

im still adjusting to being robbed and missing all the stuff ive lost (like my writing for the past year and special moments captured on camera, and not having an SLR to pursue creative interests and possible work interests). i didnt find anything in the secondhand shops.

i cant remember if thats all or if im repeating myself. sorry for being so silent, hope you are all well and looking after yourselves and your loved ones.

im happy and hope you are too.

xxx

On Monday the house got broken into and i got robbed. my head has been all over the place as a result; work allowed me to take a couple of days off to get shit sorted out. i filed a police report. they got my brand new laptop, my slr camera with all my lenses, my digital camera (bought in october) with the extra sd card with the private pics on it, my old nokia, my swatch that my ex-wife gave to me for our 2nd wedding anniversary years ago, my mothers wedding band and her star sapphire ring (which is so totally rare it can never be replaced) totally around $5-7,000 worth of goods.

Ive had a flatmate for 2wks and she is a backpacker so her prized possessions were all she had and it all got taken, totally about $2000.

my landlord has refused to put locks on the windows (thats how the thieves entered), so now im uninsurable and at risk of another attack.

i feel violated. ive been robbed before, but this was my first break in, so ive been in shock.

its not the stuff that bothers me, its the photos, the work, the writing, the videos that i had on my laptop and cameras that pisses me off and the fact that i've lost my mothers ring, which i treasured so highly as a link to my mother and her memories, good and bad.

i was uninsured at the time - i was waiting to get a flatmate before taking out a policy with work. now its too late because all the landlord has suggested I do is go to the hardware store and buy a metal pole to stick in the grooves of the window. we already have those and it did no good - i broke into the place last year (different window) with the rod in place, its easy enough to do, especially when youre two guys with a lot of muscle (the next door neighbours saw them and spoke to them but didnt call the police) and a need.

***

im currently towards the end of my latest medical test, i have a tube stuck down my nose/throat into my stomach to measure my acid levels over 24hrs to see whether im a suitable candidate for surgery due to the reflux. the problem is that at the moment the reflux has actually settled down somewhat, so i fear the readings might not be a true reflection and they will deny me the resolution the surgery will give me.

yesterday they shoved a different tube down my nose/throat and syringed water down my throat every two minutes to check my swallow action. apparently i have a strong action, which is going to waste cos i dont suck, therefore never swallow. *smirk*
They checked the action because apparently the surgery can make it weaker, so you have to have a strong swallow action first in order for it to be viable.

fingers crossed.

***

i have had three shots of Sustenon 100 and no effects as yet, my friend who is a month ahead of me as just been upped to the 250 and his voice is now starting to break, so i may call the endo and make an appt to discuss my levels because im starting to feel deflated. my fourth shot is due next thursday.

***

i hate my father. i try not to. try to be the bigger person, but i cant deny it. he is a weak man who has played favourites and played the tortured soul, but im not buying it anymore and his spot in hell will fit him well.

***

my T Party is tomorrow. hardly anybody is coming, but im not fussed. the dozen people who will be there will be my nearest and dearest, plus a couple of Divine's friends, so i plan to enjoy myself. will take pics with my mobile as that is all i have now and post them online.

***

Divine is lending me one of her laptops and ive applied for broadband with Vodafone (who my mobile is with), so hopefully i will be back up and operational as soon as i can (currently writing this from Divine's).

miss you all and am hoping life is treating you superbly.

xxx

Divine and I have cut back on the amount of time we spend together for sanity's sake. It's working out really well, our commitment to each other couldnt be stronger.

Wednesday night was spent at Divine's place. My reflux is in overdrive at the moment and i spent most of the night throwing up dinner (i just cant say no to spag bol unfortunately). this put me in a bad mood and saw me retreating behind my shell (ever the cancerian), blocking Divine out and her efforts to care for me. 

Thursday is our day off and we went to the beach to have it out at her insistence (i was quite happy to make a fresh start of a new day). but im glad she had it out with me, made me see certain behaviours i am still to rid myself of. we worked through it and i took her to my gp so she could record my THIRD SHOT OF TESTOSTERONE.

im still on 100mg and am feeling slightly disillusioned with the lack of reaction my body is having. i mean, i knew it would be a really slow-going process, however its been 9 weeks and i thought i would at least have cranky mood swings or something, but there is absolutely nothing! But i have video footage now, it needs improvement (Divine's gonna hit me!), but i have my life to get the perfect footage.

Friday i interviewed a potential flatmate and we got along really well. she had another place to look at before getting back to me, but i was really confident id found someone to move in. luckily she liked the place and will cope with the travel (i live 30min out of the city) on her motorbike. Went to drag kings at the Opium Den and it really was amateur hour, i dont know why i keep going back! i would love to go to New York and see the professionals! caught up with my new flatmate there and we all enjoyed ourselves (Divine was slammin hot in her little leather skirt and fishnets - grrrrrowllll) and i put on some facial hair - sideburns and a goatee.

Saturday was a mixed bag, went to Watergardens to get out of the house after having no shops open on friday! Love being in Divine's company. Went to the dodgiest pub in the ENTIRE WORLD - never EVER eat at Stingo's in Collingwood. Divine's dinner consisted of frozen vegetables that were incredibly soggy; powdered mash potatoes that not even i could stomach; and the steak was bland although cooked to the right specification. Within 15min of digesting that Divine couldnt keep it down. my meal repeated on me for the rest of the night too. i had chicken and spinach risotto. firstly there was sundried tomato in the meal (i cant handle the acid content of tomatoes, even sundried and there was absolutely no mention of them being included in the dish); the spinach was that frozen boxed shit that was so soggy and cooked til it was limp and dead; and the overall meal had no flavour to it what-so-ever and if it had of been available i would have soaked the whole thing in salt and pepper. luckily it was two for one so we only paid $18 for the two, however the food was that crap that they should really be paying their patrons to eat there. the company we were with thought the food was second to none, however these are women who drool over the KFC menu so there's no surprises there. although there was a chef at the table who could barely stomach her meal too.

After dinner we left early to head to a houseparty to celebrate my friends 26th bday. this was a really laid back affair with most of K's mates making up the crowd, so i only knew a couple of people, however there wasnt the pretension of the earlier crowd, although there are always certain divisions. left there @ 3am, when Divine was capable of driving. 

we crashed when we got home and it was a very late Sunday wake up. Divine and i worked on our chemistry and working the extra kilos off me and, well, i think her body is perfect, but thats for me to know and be very smitten about. i txt my sister today and told her how i know that this relationship is not about sweet romance, but about realness, honesty, lust, love and a deep-seated knowledge that this is right. *sigh*

my flatmate moved in tonight and is currently putting away her stuff. its gonna be weird sharing my space - not lounging around in nothing but my jocks and closing the bathroom/bedroom door, but im confident it can work. i need the extra money to cover my medical expenses and want to save to get my chest surgery done as soon as im given the green light. besides, its only until august some time and then i will live with my brother when he moves to melbourne, cant wait for that. then the lease runs out in december and where i end up after that, well, the future holds what it holds...

i need to sit down and write. have opened my notebook several times over the past week but cant get the words out. im never gonna make my fortune with apparent writer's block!

my T Party is booked for the 5th, so im hella excited. gonna go trash n treasure shopping to look for teapots and teacups. the theme is to dress as something/someone beginning with the letter T, or as though you are having high tea with the queen. im thinking i might go as a thane, but then we are talking about the 1400's and im not too fond of wearing tights... and my name starts with T and im a tranny on testosterone, so i may just done a 3 piece suit as tho to tea with the queen. id like to find a cane, maybe a bowler and if i didnt have to wear glasses i would so love a monocle! any suggestions would be great, for me and my guests. im planning on having a game of pin the tail on the donkey, although its gonna be called pin the goatee on the tranny (un-pc i know, but i thumb my nose at that shit); Divine wanted me to print out a full length and do pin the dick on the tranny, but im not sure i want my friends placing a dick on a cut-out of me, might give me an insight into how they REALLY feel about me. grin.

and that's the week that was.. take care kids

have sat down to write on here for a couple of weeks, but there is just too much to talk about and im mind-numbingly tired and stressed-out.

my reflux has reached epic proportions once again, but im determined to see only the positive because my next test is in a couple of wks time (its setting me back $500) and that will determine if surgery is the best thing for me or not, so this is a definite plus.

my father has not spoken to me since he found out ive changed my name (including his surname) and although i have over-come the need for approval from him, he does still have the ability to turn me back into an anx-ridden kid full of self-doubt without him having to do or say a thing. my mother emailed me today after i asked for her advice last night regarding my gf's mother and how to "come out" to her and her family. my mother told me she feels as though i am dead and is having a hard time dealing with my transition. before this email i thought she was supportive and coping, now i know better and feel slightly guilty for being the cause of her ill-feelings.

Divine and i went away to gippsland 3 weekends ago. it was pure bliss and we overcame certain obstacles to have one hell of a time. then i went to sydney for a week and was surprised to find out how much i missed her, and her i. i love her, i knew that, but the level of that love surprised me. sydney was fabulous, despite some set-backs with certain people. i caught up with a few good people and cemented a friendship with a very good friend. 

back home i dressed as a boi-king and made love to a beautiful woman. it wasnt pretty paper-hearts, but rough and ready and sweaty sex that drove us both crazy with desire for each other. then divine took me to daylesford for the queerfest with her mates. daylesford is not my type of place, at any time of the year and the festival was a complete snooze, i was very surprised to hear people who found it exciting. made another friend though, so there is the silver-lining, especially since ive started another tattoo design client (i need the extra pocket money desperately).

then Divine opened me up even more and has left me completely undone. she has shown me love during intimacy and i have wept in her arms. we have completely deconstructed one another and helped one another grow. i have not felt this true connection since my ex-wife and never truly thougt id ever find that connection again.

i am being reborn in more ways than one. i am scared, yet i will move on and embrace whatever the universe hands me.

My name is now legally changed!!!

*dances around my living room in my undies*

WOOT!

Took Divine out for dinner last night. Went to Manchester Lane and saw a great old school jazz band called 'Virus'. the food was great, although the risotto i had was slightly watery, but the shared dessert - churros meringada was heavenly!

we talked freely of anything and everything and the spunky waiter thought we'd been a couple for years; which is something we both want very much - a future together. our relationship is very organic and extremely nurturing... i could definitely grow old with Divine and for once this is not a scary thought and something i want to run from.

after a month together we are both excited about the future.

 

Soul

In moments waiting for the tram

I taste her nicotine breath in my mouth,

swirl her about and swallow her molecules.

Her ghost whispers deep within me

as I clutch my gut to get closer to her.

I imagine untethered wounds bleeding out her essence,

can feel her words unravelling,

stuffing me full with her subliminal messages.

I rub my bruises in order to stomach the elixir of pain

she has lubricated my body with.

I am haunted by her extraordinariness,

dulling the piece-meal appliqué applied to ones self.

I am her patch-work quilt,

threaded together by memories

glimpsed before being sequestered away,

stored and hoarded to inhale later;

the bloody, filthy viscera a beautiful montage

to repeat, play and pause another day

at another tram stop in another moment in time.

T.

12/02/08.

Just got my first injection of Sustenon 100, took about a minute for the liquid to ooze into my body. 
i had so much energy afterwards, so pumped, had to release it. 

grin


god bless life

so much going on, could get swept up into a swirling vortex, but instead i walk calmly, if not buoyantly, onward.

went to Pride and caught up with B and an old friend id stopped hanging out with due to her flighty-ness sought me out and gave me a big hug; might start hanging with her again; maybe. saw an ex having a d&m so left her well alone even though ive been wanting to catch up with her for ages; she looks good, if not troubled.  walked along the beach and took pics of sunset, breathed in the positivity; im on a high and have a feeling its only going to get better.

i know i stated not so long ago that i didnt want a relationship, but ive changed my mind, my body, my soul and long to dive into the wetness, the mire, the mirth of her and of us. i am not afraid as i walk forward. i am not apprehensive. i see with clarity. i see my potential truly for the first time. i see what she sees and finally understand.

i am worthy, and there is no backing down.

In 45mins i get my first testosterone injection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im a teensy bit excited!
gorgeous is going to capture on video.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 at a time when i thought life couldnt get any better.

she knows of the path i tread and wants to share and share her path with me.

thats all the info you get; she's too amazing to share!

Finally got into the Endocrinologist, Dr A Hunter in Clayton. I was desperately trying to get in touch with my GP all morning as i needed him to fax a referral before my 12.20pm appt. he didnt get back to me until 3pm. Luckily the endo saw me with the promise the referral was on its way. he took about 30min to discuss the next step, painting the picture of what can and cannot be reversed should i change my mind after going on testosterone.

He gave me script for sustenon 100, so thats 100mg every three wks, with a follow up in 3 months time to then possibly go onto the higher dose. i have my GP appt to get the shot in the bum on the 7th of Feb.

i worry what sort of man i will be, but all i can hope for is that the me, deep down, the person my friends and family know and hence are so supportive of, shines through. i am on the threshhold and cant wait to step over the ledge.

my sister just sent this to my mobile (hence the poor quality); my little neice, who turns 2 in may, has my sister's knickers around her neck as a necklace!


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Stolen from graeco_celt

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote are the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post it in your own journal.
 



Partulina dolei is a species of gastropod in the Achatinellidae family. It is endemic to the United States. quote is from Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882): The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. 

i thought the quote and the fact that the title (partulina dolei) is a species that could die from civilisation was eerily well fitted. the picture is a little, baren; not where you would find a gastropod, however with the quote (album title) maybe they died cos civilization killed off their environment...  ok, so im a HUUUGE geek; i admit this.